UPPCS Exam 2017 Current Affairs Notes

PUBG Lite Download Kaise Kare PC PUBG Mobile

[free The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships] Ebook ✓ Harriet Lerner – Book, Kindle or eBook Online

REVIEW The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

CHARACTERS å The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships Anger is a signal and one worth listening to writes Dr Harriet Lerner in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers While anger deser. I recently heard a sermon on anger at my church When I saw the sermon topic printed in the bulletin I felt reluctant I expected to hear what you sometimes do in Christian circles that anger is bad and one should avoid becoming angry I was not eager to hear this message as I had been feeling strong anger about some personal injuries I had experienced but I prayed I would receive the message with an open mind The rector however said nothing of anger being either bad or good he said rather that our anger reveals what we truly value We become angry he observed when something happens that does not match up with the way we think the world SHOULD be This insight remained in the back of my mind as I read Harriet Lerner s Dance of Anger Anger says Learner is neither bad or good it simply IS But our expression of anger can be and often is ineffectual We become engaged in a dance of anger with our spouses parents children co workers and others rather than using that energy to clearly define our values and take action to get for ourselves what we need We tend she says to see people rather than patterns as the problem To break ineffective patterns which are often perpetuated by the way we either express or repress our anger we need instead to use our anger to affect change Rather than wasting our energy trying to change the opinions and values and actions of other people over which we have no actual control we should use our energy to clearly determine and state our own values and what action we will take on our own behalf to resolve our own problems The objective is not to be manipulative however We also need to identify the true and sometimes multiple sources of our anger so that it is not misplaced This reuires changing old familiar patterns in relationships and can therefore be difficult or frightening for any or all parties involved Much in The Dance of Anger resonated with me and the basic premise is useful but I was initially put off by the feminist thrust of the opening pages Dr Lerner seemed to define expressions of anger in terms of sex roles societal oppression of women and the like rather than in terms of individual personality and life circumstances which seems to me to have as much to do with how people express or repress anger as gender does Indeed I think in romantic relationships at least that perhaps men just as often fail to admit their anger and resentment for fear of jeopardizing a relationship as do women It was ironic to read Lerner s suggestion that it s not useful to worry about who is to blame for a given situation and then later to read her response to a uestion in a particular situation Was Melisa then the cause of the problem Of course not If Melissa had been in an institution where women were truly empowered and where she as a female was not a numerically scarce commodity at the top her behavior would have been uite different In fact research indicates that women who hold positions of authority in male dominated settings are not able to clearly define their own selves These sorts of mini feminist rants even when I didn t disagree with them occasionally distracted me from the author s overall thesis Fortunately they are brief and widely dispersed Another caution I have is that she speaks a lot of deselfing and although I certainly think this sort of thing does go on for women and yes even sometimes men too there is a fine line here that must be walked between refusing to deself one s self and simply being SELFISH And that s a line that can be very blurry for a lot of people myself included I think Dr Learner s advice may have a tendency to push some women over onto the selfish side of that line In her outlook there is very little moral judgment necessary Feelings just are and women just need to figure out what s best for them personally and take action to resolve their own problems and satisfy their own needs Maybe I am selfish but seems to be a refrain Really what s wrong with taking the time to contemplate whether or not our guilt is in fact telling us we re being selfish rather than simply overcoming it and moving on to realize our needs for ourselves And if we can really learn to live with our feelings of guilt in order to fulfill our needs couldn t we just as easily learn to live with our feelings of anger and resentment in order to fulfill the needs of other people And if so which SHOULD we do I don t think these sorts of uestions can be so easily dismissed Perhaps the guiltanger dilemma is so difficult for me because of my religious background Christianity emphasizes not just sins of action but sins of the heart You have heard it said don t commit adultery but I say don t even lust You have heard it said don t murder but I say don t even be angry with your brother without a cause And so forth It s not that Christianity claims anger itself is wrong rather Be angry yet sin not it s just that it s sometimes difficult for me to tell when anger morphs into sinful expressions of anger or when anger is justified and when it is without a cause So I found this book uite fascinating because given my religious confusion the dance of anger has been a particularly difficult issue for me Selflessnes some might even go so far as to say something not terribly unlike deselfing and peace are both seen as virtues in Christianity and yet there also exists the traditional Christian concept of the virtue of righteous anger a concept perhaps too much de emphasized in modern times What Learner did for me in this book was to focus my mind on a different and probably useful uestion not is my anger GOOD or BAD but rather is my anger ACCOMPLISHING anything positive And if not how can I USE it to accomplish something positive This I felt was a helpful mental re direction for me

FREE DOWNLOAD Ó M1O.RU ì Harriet Lerner

CHARACTERS å The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships Ves our attention and respect women still learn to silence our anger to deny it entirely or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless In this. I think this author produced a well thought out book It focuses on helping women move away from unproductive anger and learning to be angry with positive effective resultsThere is a section on women who don t allow themselves to be angry that I didn t spend much time on because never felt I wasn t allowed to be angry There is another portion on de selfing which involves a person malefemale allowing another in their relationship to walk all over them and I didn t spent much time on this either A case was presented in which a woman was not allowed to attend the author s anger workshop because her husband said no The author presented several real cases then proceeded to explain how she helped the person or persons work through their anger issues There was a couple that had problems with the husbands parents and the husband did not deal with the issue while the wife became and irate Interesting way to handle it however I am a firm believer that it is the responsibility of the person related to handle hisher family not the spouse There was a young new mother who had repeated conflicts with her over controlling mother that escalated when the two mom s parenting styles clashed I m not sure I agree with how that was handled either There was a couple that the wife thought their infant was not developing properly and the husband blew off her thoughts which caused the wife to focus intently on her points and the husband to back further away This went on for almost a year I thought she made a good point in that when one pushes hard in a certain direction the other can often push even harder the opposite directionhowever it bugged me that she suggested that if the woman had waited until the man was receptive like after snuggling ie sex then approached him with her concerns he may have acted differently Yikes timing is important but dangThere was another couple that complained that the man was uninvolved in the family and the woman was too emotional and too involved in the children s lives I did not care for her resolution here and thought she missed the boat completely by not suggesting the couple were and had grown apart and that they needed to work on their relationship and focus on reconnecting As it was the husband dreaded coming home for fear she would hound him about her day In any event the author does open the door of thought to help guide disruptive anger For me there was not much that I haven t already figured out in my almost 50 years of age but for someone younger or still struggling there may be some good suggestions found in this book about focusing on productive anger I hoped it offered tidbits on helping bitter angry people work through their issues and that wasn t between the pages of this read One thing worth mentioning that I had not realized There isn t one unflattering term used to describe men who vent their anger at women Women are called bitches shrews man haters witches etc while men are called bastards son of a bitch words that still place the blame on his mother Well how about that

Harriet Lerner ì 1 CHARACTERS

CHARACTERS å The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships Engaging and eminently wise book Dr Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting chang. This book was recommended to me by a therapist who supervises our group of counsellors He told us that this book is incredibly helpful not only to his clients but also to mental health professionals who want to gain a better understanding of relationship problems and how to deal with them I was intrigued and decided to remember the title so I could read the book and find some useful information on how to counsel people with relationship and anger issues For some reason I really didn t think this book would be a truly useful read for myself I have no idea why I was deceiving myself in such a way because I found some really great explanations uotes thoughts and examples that are relatable easy to understand and very necessary to analyze and remember I started noticing some patterns in my own behaviour and in that of my closest ones and the relationships we have Anger truly is one of the most complex emotions to understand and expressing it in a healthy way is an even bigger challenge I hope I will be able to break some patterns and habits for my own sake as well as for others Luckily my self monitoring skills are getting better by the day so I m very optimisticI do have to say that one of the examples in the book didn t sit well with me at all I even felt a bit of anger while reading it The case I m talking about is the one where the father of the family has a lot of fights with his son whereas the mother tends to be the one protecting the son creating a triangle where nothing gets solved and the problems persist The solution the author offers is basically this the mother has to trust her husband distance herself from the fights between father and son not criticize the father s raising methods and thus break the habit of being in a relationship triangle The problem is after mother has done that the father starts punishing his child by beating him with a belt The author however doesn t seem to see this as a problem she even says that as long as there is no violence the mother can stay away So how is using a belt to beat your child as a form of punishment not considered violence I was truly appalled by this example I really don t think it fits well with the concept of the book or any of the other examples everyone else is eual to each other they re adults and there is really no need for relationship triangles and a third person having a say in a relationship between two eual adults who can make decision for themselves even if the decision is to leave the relationship Here however we have a 8 year old child who by no means is an eual to his father nor does he have a clear understanding of what is normal in a relationship with an adult The parents are setting an example for him and if the example is that one of the parents distances themselves from problematic situations whereas the other uses his dominant position as a means of asserting his power even punishing the child and treating in an unacceptable way it is a very fucking bad example Yes the relationship between the father and the son is personal and they have to communicate but I think that removing the mother from the euation is a very wrong step at this point The fights can get even bigger because the father might feel that he has gained absolute power and nobody will stop him from doing whatever he wants especially his son who is fuckin 8 YEARS OLD This is not an eual relationship where two parties will solve their problems on their own The parents have to communicate the mother has the right to express her opinion on the other parent s punishment methods and the child should not be left alone like that In the future the child will resent his mother for not speaking up and leaving the father and the son to figure their relationship out on their own Let them figure it out when BOTH of them are able to do that when BOTH are able to express their true opinions and know what their boundaries are The child might not yet be aware of all of this at such a young age They need adults protection and support This example was so wrong to me on so many levels that my opinion of the book was really under attack at that pointOverall I still really recommend reading it but please remember that children are not on the same level as adults and should not be left alone they still need the support and the advice of adults

  • Paperback
  • 239
  • The Dance of Anger A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
  • Harriet Lerner
  • English
  • 21 July 2017
  • 9780060741044